At age three, I fell into a river and drowned. I went into the light, experienced bliss, love and peace, and returned to my body with a profound desire to go back to that light. My life did little to allay that desire. My family was poor, I endured abuse of every kind (physical, emotional and sexual), and in school I was a victim of bullying. By age nine, believing I had no other choice, I attempted to take my own life.
When a neighbor lady introduced me to witchcraft at age twelve, it seemed the perfect fit for me. I already had experienced the paranormal in many ways and knew that something about me was different.
She gave me and my siblings a Ouija Board. When the planchette flew out from under our fingers and began moving around on the board by itself, we knew we had made contact with real spirits. When I introduced this neighbor to my mom, they became friends and soon my mother became my closest spiritual teacher.
During my parents' divorce I began to abuse myself. I punched myself on the legs and in the face, put cigarettes out on myself, pulled my hair out by the handfuls, cut myself and bit myself. I struggled with anorexia and bulimia, became promiscuous, used drugs and alcohol, and started ditching school. By the time I was seventeen I was a runaway living on the streets and panhandling to feed myself.
I was eventually diagnosed with multiple personality disorder. I started seeing a holistic counselor and hypnotist who taught me how to channel. In a short time I was working for a psychic line and performing miraculous healings. I co-founded a support group for people with multiple personalities, became a facilitator for an adult incest survivors' group, and told my story in a documentary about incest. I was no longer a victim. I was a survivor and, finally, someone important.
I met a guru and ended up a member of a cult. While in that cult, I was given instructions, along with countless others, for infiltrating society with our teachings, so we could "awaken" the world to what we believed was the truth.
I didn't know it, but I was in a Luciferian cult and Theosophy, along with Gnosticism, Qabala and Alchemy were at its core. Christianity was "the darkness" to us. Our guru said, "They will be the last to fall." The destruction of Christianity was paramount to our mission.
I suffered torment from evil spirits. From hauntings to physical injury and illness, it was clear I had entrenched myself in a realm that was no respecter of persons. At the urging of my spirit guides I took a journey from Colorado to Washington state, knowing no one there, with $80 in my pocket. On this journey, I wound up pregnant.
Doctors warned that, due to illness, I might not survive a pregnancy to term. Reluctantly, I took their advice and aborted my baby. As I laid on the abortion table during the procedure, I cried out, "Go into the light, baby! Go into the light!" I believed my child was a sacrifice to a greater plan.
I returned to my career. Once I discovered the Internet, the sky was the limit. I started my own publication, became a featured expert author, and in time, was discovered by a radio station that gave me my own show. I had often joked that my work was a karmic sentence for something I had done in a previous life. But I was determined, at any cost, to "serve the light," which I believed was God.
Slowly, my world of "success" began to unravel. It started with my website being hijacked and the ceiling springing a leak above me at my computer. I actually had to sit with a bowl in my lap while I typed e-mails to clients. I went through a long and grueling process of slowly losing faith in my belief system. I had so much turmoil going on in my life I couldn't even keep track of it all.
I was in serious financial trouble and needed to make a lot of money fast. I was an affiliate promoter for The Secret, a book and movie that had been endorsed by Oprah. For years I had known and practiced the principles taught in The Secret. I applied them to my situation and received the money I needed.
I was so proud of myself, I decided to celebrate by taking a hike up the mountain behind my house. It was early and cool. I passed several people going up. I was listening to the sound of my breathing when I noticed something moving by my shoe. I thought, "Is that a snake?"
I took a couple more steps before I was able to slow my momentum and turn around. There, before me was a rattler...coiled and ready to strike.
I had never been afraid of snakes, but I had never had an encounter with a rattler in the wild before. I didn't want to hike anymore now. There might be more farther up the path.
I couldn't go through the tall grass. There might be more in there too. I needed to get this snake off the path so I could go home. I backed up the mountain slowly.
Once I had gained some distance, I began throwing rocks. My goal was only to hit the dirt and scare the snake off the path.
I scared him, alright. And he actually came after me. I started running up the mountain, grabbed a rock, threw it, ran some more, grabbed another rock, threw it, and kept going like this for a minute.
I finally paused and looked around. I was now on the mountain alone. Everyone was gone. If I was bitten, I could die there.
I was not afraid to die. Never had been. As I looked across the city below, the sky above it opened up. And there, right in front of me, I saw the King of the Universe, sitting on His throne. I was standing before Him and, for the first time in my life, I feared Him.
He was so perfect, so pure, all of my goodness and light was like blackness before Him. I realized I could not stand before Him. I would be annihilated by the power of His light. He was holy. I could not die.
I thought, then, "Maybe those Christians have a good idea with that redemption thing."
I finally got the snake off the path and got home, and when I got there, I did the only thing I knew how to do. I looked up "snake" in my power animal dictionaries. Entry after entry, dictionary after dictionary, the message seemed to be the same. "Spiritual death, shedding old skin, finding new life, new spiritual path, being reborn."
"Could it be that God wants me to become a Christian?" I laughed at the notion. I was preparing to make a pitch to a group of investors, to ensure the success of my business, so I carried on with business. A couple weeks later, when my computer crashed, I threw my hands up and asked God, "What do you want from me?"
I decided to take a sabbatical from my work. After contacting a church for resources, I discovered I was not spiritually free. I began investigating Christianity.
One night, while reading The Case for Faith by Lee Strobel, it hit me! This man on this cross was there for me! He was God and He knew me. He cared about me. He knew my tears, my pain, my suffering, and He wanted to carry my burden for me. I broke. I curled up in a little ball and just cried.
The following Sunday, I went to church. I prayed for God to forgive me for all I had done wrong and renounced all my occult practices. The following week I burned all my books, including eleven decks of Tarot cards, and was baptized. I have been astounded at the freedom in dying to self and putting my life in Jesus' hands.
Only a truly awesome God could do so many things that are so profoundly significant. God must be love because only love could care enough to be that attentive to one person.